Divorce is not easy for anyone, especially young children. It is important that both parents let their children know that the divorce is not their fault. Be sure to tell your children that nothing they did or said made mommy and daddy fight and not love each other or caused one parent to move out of the house.

Divorce can turn a kid's world upside down. This is a scary time for young children and they will naturally wonder what is going to happen to them. Here's what they need now: Are they safe, will they have to move, will both parents suddenly leave them and stop loving them? You must reassure your children that even though there will be changes to their routine and they will no longer be living with both mommy and daddy, both parents still love them very much and that will never change. Ever.

Try to put a positive spin on the situation. Depending upon your children's ages and their level of understanding, explain to your children that it is better for mommy and daddy not to be married anymore. Stress that things will work out and that everyone will be fine. A divorced family does not have to be a broken family. Both parents should work hard at creating healthy relationships within the family unit. Also, work with your ex-spouse in a spirit of cooperation so that you can both be the best parents possible. Let your children know how much you care about them and love them. Never use the children as a "sword" against your ex-spouse. That is harmful to everyone and can only result in a "lose-lose" outcome.

Remember, when you talk to your children about divorce, don't forget to view things from "the little chair."

Posted by Judith A. Heller, Esq. at 7:24 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0) | Comments (0)

Recently a client complained that she thought her husband was turning their children against her. Over the course of several months since the couple separated, whenever the children returned from a visit with their father, she said they seemed angry and were physically and verbally abusive toward her. She felt as if her relationship with the children was steadily deteriorating. She felt helpless and confused. Does this scenario seem familiar to you? What my client, and perhaps even you, experienced is called "Parental Alienation" or "Parental Alienation Syndrome".

Parental alienation is any behavior by a parent, either the mother or father, whether conscious or unconscious, that could create alienation in the relationship between a child and the other parent. This behavior can be mild and temporary or extreme and ongoing. Parental alienation is harmful to both the child and the target parent and can leave long-lasting emotional wounds. It is one of the top tricks and threats used by an angry parent against the other in a divorce situation.

Equally harmful and devastating, parental alienation syndrome is a disturbance in which children are preoccupied with deprecation and criticism of a parent. This denigration is unwarranted or exaggerated.

To prevent and stop alienation, you must first learn to recognize the three types of alienators. The symptoms and strategies for combating each type are different. Na�ve alienators are parents who are passive about the children's relationship with the other parent but who will sometimes do or say something to alienate. All parents occasionally fall into this category. Active alienators know better than to alienate, but their intense hurt and anger cause them to impulsively lose control over their behavior or what they say. Often, the active alienator feels very guilty about how they behaved.

Obsessed alienators, on the other hand, have a mission to destroy the target parent. This type of behavior is extreme and emotionally poisonous. An obsessed alienator will try to rewrite family history and brainwash the children. They employ such tactics as character assassination of the other parent, false inducement of fear, incitement of shame and the deliberate denigration of the children's relationship with the target parent.

There are no winners when one parent alienates the children against the other. Parental alienation forces children to take sides and become allies against the other parent. Such behavior is never in the best interests of the children. In fact, children caught in the middle suffer severe losses of love, respect and peace in their formative years. Sometimes the child will lose the alienated parent forever and undergo terrible emotional trauma.

Alienated parents often suffer heartbreaking loss of their children through no fault of their own. In addition, they often face false accusations from their alienated children that they choose not to counter with the true facts. Sometimes the parents are powerless to show that this cruel and covert aggression is even occurring or has occurred.

Divorce is never easy on children but if you are dealing with a spouse who you suspect is alienating your children against you - don't just sit back - TAKE ACTION AND DO SOMETHING! Educate yourself on parental alienation, meet with an attorney who has experience in this area, talk to a therapist to prepare yourself emotionally, get counseling for your children, get the court system involved and request a Guardian Ad Litem be assigned to your case. BE PROACTIVE and call us to learn how you can successfully deal with your ex-spouse to minimize the emotional damage and restore a healthy relationship with your children.

Posted by Judith A. Heller, Esq. at 8:05 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0) | Comments (0)

Some years ago, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers assembled a committee which focused on the Special Concerns of Children. That committee published a "Children's Bill of Rights" which reads as follow:

Every child should know he or she has rights, particularly when their mom and dad are splitting up. Below are some thing parents shouldn't forget -- and kids shouldn't let them -- when the family is in the midst of a break up:

1. You have a right to love both of your parents. And you have a right to be loved by both of them. That means you shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to see your dad or your mom at any time. It's important for you to have both parents in your life, particularly during difficult times, such as a divorce.
   
2. You do not have to choose one parent over the other. If you have an opinion about what parent you want to live with, let it be known. But nobody can force you to make that choice. If your parents can't work it out, a judge may make the decision for them.
   
3. You are entitled to all the feelings you are having. Don't be embarrassed by what you're feeling. It's scary when your parents break-up, and you're allowed to be scared. Or angry. Or sad. Or whatever!
   
4. You have the right to be in a safe environment. This means that nobody is allowed to put you in danger, either physically or emotionally. If one of your parents is hurting you tell someone -- either your other parent or a trusted adult, like a teacher.
   
5. You don't belong in the middle of your parents' break-up. Sometimes your parents might get so caught up in their own problems that they forget that you are just a kid. Remind them that you can't handle their adult worries.
   
6. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, and siblings are still part of your life. Even if you are living with one parent, you can still see relatives on your other parent's side. You will always be a part of their lives, even if your parent's aren't together anymore.
   
7. You have the right to be a child. Kids shouldn't worry about adult problems. Concentrate on your school work, your friends, after-school activities, etc. Your mom and dad just need your love. They can handle the rest.
   

Posted by Irwin M. Pollack, Esq. at 11:50 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0) | Comments (0)

When parents live together, they raise their children together. When one parent is busy, working or sick, the other is usually there for the children. When one parent is angry or depressed, the other can step-in to protect their children and act in their best interest. This parental team allows parents to complement each other's strengths and weaknesses and insulate the children from any harm.

But when separation or divorce enters the horizon, this alliance is broken. The arrangement that allowed you to work together has changed and the old system is gone.

Now, you must create a new model from which to raise the children. In Massachusetts, the courts refer to this arrangement as a "parenting plan." It simply means that you have to identify the specific parenting issues and decide how to handle them.

The issues generally break-out into two categories - decision-making issues and living arrangements. While there are a number of advantages to making this plan, when you create one you will reduce conflict, increase fairness, account for the uniqueness of your situation and avoid court.

If you are contemplating a parenting plan for your family or have one that needs updating, call us for some direction. We have over 100 issues that we address. Clearly, your situation won't have a need for all 100, but I'd bet there are situations that we've come across that your knowing how to handle it in advance will prevent problems later!

Posted by Irwin M. Pollack, Esq. at 11:00 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0) | Comments (0)