The Harm of Parental Alienation
Recently a client complained that she thought her husband was turning their children against her. Over the course of several months since the couple separated, whenever the children returned from a visit with their father, she said they seemed angry and were physically and verbally abusive toward her. She felt as if her relationship with the children was steadily deteriorating. She felt helpless and confused. Does this scenario seem familiar to you? What my client, and perhaps even you, experienced is called "Parental Alienation" or "Parental Alienation Syndrome".
Parental alienation is any behavior by a parent, either the mother or father, whether conscious or unconscious, that could create alienation in the relationship between a child and the other parent. This behavior can be mild and temporary or extreme and ongoing. Parental alienation is harmful to both the child and the target parent and can leave long-lasting emotional wounds. It is one of the top tricks and threats used by an angry parent against the other in a divorce situation.
Equally harmful and devastating, parental alienation syndrome is a disturbance in which children are preoccupied with deprecation and criticism of a parent. This denigration is unwarranted or exaggerated.
To prevent and stop alienation, you must first learn to recognize the three types of alienators. The symptoms and strategies for combating each type are different. Na�ve alienators are parents who are passive about the children's relationship with the other parent but who will sometimes do or say something to alienate. All parents occasionally fall into this category. Active alienators know better than to alienate, but their intense hurt and anger cause them to impulsively lose control over their behavior or what they say. Often, the active alienator feels very guilty about how they behaved.
Obsessed alienators, on the other hand, have a mission to destroy the target parent. This type of behavior is extreme and emotionally poisonous. An obsessed alienator will try to rewrite family history and brainwash the children. They employ such tactics as character assassination of the other parent, false inducement of fear, incitement of shame and the deliberate denigration of the children's relationship with the target parent.
There are no winners when one parent alienates the children against the other. Parental alienation forces children to take sides and become allies against the other parent. Such behavior is never in the best interests of the children. In fact, children caught in the middle suffer severe losses of love, respect and peace in their formative years. Sometimes the child will lose the alienated parent forever and undergo terrible emotional trauma.
Alienated parents often suffer heartbreaking loss of their children through no fault of their own. In addition, they often face false accusations from their alienated children that they choose not to counter with the true facts. Sometimes the parents are powerless to show that this cruel and covert aggression is even occurring or has occurred.
Divorce is never easy on children but if you are dealing with a spouse who you suspect is alienating your children against you - don't just sit back - TAKE ACTION AND DO SOMETHING! Educate yourself on parental alienation, meet with an attorney who has experience in this area, talk to a therapist to prepare yourself emotionally, get counseling for your children, get the court system involved and request a Guardian Ad Litem be assigned to your case. BE PROACTIVE and call us to learn how you can successfully deal with your ex-spouse to minimize the emotional damage and restore a healthy relationship with your children.
