Common Sense Rules for Co-Parenting

As a family lawyer, I'm pretty open about the fact that I've been divorced for almost 15 years. I never suggest it's easy co-parenting with a former spouse, but with some hard work between the two of you toward putting the past behind you, there are some steps you can make toward reducing conflict and moving on for the sake of your children:

1. Don't make visitation arrangements directly with your children - especially if they're under the teenage years. Moreover, use your best efforts to not suggest visitations or plans with the children that you have yet to do so with your co-parent.

2. Don't get hung-up on the premise that one parent has "custody" and the other has "visitation." In most cases, the Courts prefer to fashion orders around the term "parenting plan" where both parents are presumed to be in the best interest of the child.

3. Don't count the pennies when it comes to raising your children. Cooperate with each other on Court-ordered child support, don't quibble over reasonable extra-curricular activities and don't send receipts back-and-forth that require the eyes of an accountant or add-up to less than $20.

4. Send (and return) children who are clean, well-rested, fed and in the best mindset possible. Do your best to not exchange bags of dirty clothes.

5. Don't turn everyday e-mail exchanges or telephone messages into World War 3. While you may not be together with your former partner anymore, you still need to co-pilot as it relates to your children.

6. I usually make it a standard to put the following into my Proposed Orders: "Neither parent will make disparaging comments about the other parent (or their family) in front of the children." Best explained, don't discuss the differences between you and your partner with the children, don't send messages back-and-forth and don't discuss matters related to any legal matters with them.

7. Don't referee or mediate matters between your children and their other parent. While it's understandable that you'd want to truly listen (and give a sympathetic ear), remember how you'll likely not be hearing the entire story.

8. Be courteous at times of pick-up and drop-off. Don't honk your horn, arrive on time and have the children ready at the scheduled times. If you need to walk up to the front door, be pleasant and don't go inside the other parent's home unless invited.

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