Helping Children Get Through Divorce

Helping children heal begins before any legal papers are filed, with how and when parents tell their children about their decision to break-up.

The first words children hear about divorce should be from their parents, as soon after the decision as possible. It is not to wait until one parent has already moved out of the house.

Ideally, both parents should be there when the children are told. Age plays a big role in how a child deals with divorce. If the children are roughly the same age, they should be told at the same time. If there is a wide age difference, it can be useful to tell them together, and then have separate meetings with the children individually, adapting each explanation to each child's level of understanding.

When informing children of an impending divorce, parents should not divulge such details as infidelity or sexual deprivation, and they should not blame one parent or the other. One possible approach is to present the divorce as a solution to the family's problems, an end to the fighting and tension that have filled the home with anger.

Honesty is a crucial element in informing children of the split. They should be told they their lives will change, and that some things, like spending time with the parent they're not living with most of the time, will be harder.

Children should be prompted to talk about their feelings with parents, family, friends, or a counselor.

It is best that parents not ask their children to choose with which parent they want to live. If they have an opinion on the matter, it will likely come out on its own. If they do not, they shouldn't be put in the position of choosing between one parent or the other.

In Massachusetts, courts are beginning to order parenting plans. These plans typically allow both parents to have an equal say in decision-making on the child's behalf, even if the physical parenting time may not be equally divided.

Although sharing parenthood with a former partner can be difficult, co-parenting is one of the best ways parents can show their children how much they love them.

Family law attorneys often hear from parents that their children still dream about being part of the storybook family: a mommy and daddy, several happy children and a dog all living blissfully under one roof. But as American divorce rates continue to rise, that dream is becoming a reality for fewer and fewer families.

In its place, for both parents and children, are opportunities. By stepping back from their own anger, divorcing parents can move closer to what should be a common goal for their children: maintaining a nurturing environment and minimizing the potentially traumatic byproducts of the so-called "broken home."

There are many resources available on this difficult subject -- check out some of my recommendations.