When parents live together, they raise their children together. When one parent is busy, working or sick, the other is usually there for the children. When one parent is angry or depressed, the other can step-in to protect their children and act in their best interest. This parental team allows parents to complement each other's strengths and weaknesses and insulate the children from any harm.

But when separation or divorce enters the horizon, this alliance is broken. The arrangement that allowed you to work together has changed and the old system is gone.

Now, you must create a new model from which to raise the children. In Massachusetts, the courts refer to this arrangement as a "parenting plan." It simply means that you have to identify the specific parenting issues and decide how to handle them.

The issues generally break-out into two categories - decision-making issues and living arrangements. While there are a number of advantages to making this plan, when you create one you will reduce conflict, increase fairness, account for the uniqueness of your situation and avoid court.

If you are contemplating a parenting plan for your family or have one that needs updating, call us for some direction. We have over 100 issues that we address. Clearly, your situation won't have a need for all 100, but I'd bet there are situations that we've come across that your knowing how to handle it in advance will prevent problems later!

When I advise divorcing clients, I encourage cordial and reasonable negotiations - otherwise, the uncontested matter can go south very quickly! What I have noticed, however, is that older clients are often more vindictive toward on another than the younger clients who are divorcing.

When children are grown and out of the house, the new empty-nesters often have fewer reasons to stay together. Resentments boil up. Invariably, one party will say, "I want out...I don't care what it costs, but I don't want him (or her) to get anything."

This attitude invariably results in both sides losing financially. It isn't worth it. If you're in this position and considering divorce, protect yourself and your assets. Have a specific plan as it relates to your home, business interests, insurance, alimony and any of your retirement benefits.

Earlier this week, a client had been referred to my office seeking representation for an imminent divorce matter. As I asked a few preliminary questions, he stopped me. "I'm the sole proprietor of a hardware chain and I've done a tremendous job hiding assets," he said. "I know all about the financial statement and based on the numbers I can report, I've got my child custody figures down to the penny," he added.

Now he wanted a divorce and was interested in only one thing: finding out what I would do to ensure that his wife got as little as possible in the settlement.

Imagine his surprise when I pointed out that if he had hidden assets from his wife, that he had also likely done the same with Uncle Sam. He was going to have to file amended returns. Since the couple jointly owned the business, she would have to sign the amended returns and therefore would learn of the assets.

There was a dead silence. He suggested that he might be best-suited to stay married for a few more years until he cleared up his mistake in judgment.

This illustrates how assets often determine if a couple can divorce, despite their emotional problems. Doing your pre-divorce planning early in the process and calling us well in advance of your imminent split won't lessen your emotional suffering but it will help minimize your pocketbook pain - particularly if your lawyer is given decent notice of the upcoming split.

Every state has laws (statutes) relating to child custody. In Massachusetts, child support "guidelines" have been formulated to be used by Probate and Family Court judges, whether the parents of the child are married or unmarried, in setting any temporary or permanent order for current child support, in deciding whether to approve agreements for such support and in deciding cases relating to modification of any order.

Quite often, spouses refer to what they "have to pay" to their former spouse each month. It's important to recognize that the guidelines were set based on several principles including, but not limited to, the following:

1. Minimizing the economic impact on the child of family breakup;
2. Encouraging joint parental responsibility for child support in proportion to, or as a percentage of income;
3. Providing the standard of living the child would have enjoyed had the family been intact;
4. Meeting the child's survival needs
5. Taking into account the non-monetary contributions of both parents; and
6. Minimizing problems of proof for the parties and of administration for the courts.

The guidelines also recognize that in order to maintain a home and reasonable lifestyle for minor children, the primary caretaker will choose to work. In this case, a disregard of income of up to $20,000 is considered for normal costs of daycare.

A favorite issue of mine relating to child support in the section entitled "Attribution of Income." Here, the rule reads as follows:

If the court makes a determination that a party is earning substantially less than he or she could through reasonable effort, the court may consider potential earning capacity rather than actual earnings. In making this determination, the court shall take into consideration the education, training, and past employment history of the party. These standards are intended to be applied where a finding has been made that the party is capable of working and is underemployed, working part-time or is working a job, trade, or profession other than that for which he or she has been trained.

This determination, however, is not intended to apply to a custodial parent with children who are under the age of six living in the home.

This past weekend, a client asked me what I thought his chances were in winning custody of the couple's two children. This common question brings up two important points worth addressing:

First off, there is a rebuttable presumption that some form of shared custody is in a child's best interest. This means that unless one parent or the court can prove the contrary, involvement from both parents is the starting point for which the court shall fashion an order relating to the children.

Secondly, in an effort to de-escalate the importance parents put on both winning and losing - along with the distinctions between the terms custody and visitation - the Massachusetts Probate and Family Court has slowly begun replacing the traditional custody language with that of a parenting plan. This parenting "plan" really ends-up being a contract between the parents.

This plan outlines the specific weekly parenting schedule, holiday and vacation schedule, shared transportation (pick-up and drop-off) responsibilities and both the individual and joint duties of both the children and parents, etc.

I am a big fan of detailed and organized plans. Whenever new clients come to see us, we make every effort to review 200+ must-have clauses that may be included in a parenting plan. While many clients get impatient, want to push their divorce through the system, we always slow the process down when it comes to the parenting plan. After all, thorough and detailed work now will prevent problems later.

To conclude, while lawyers and divorce litigants sometimes speak of a parent's "right" to custody of children, this is misleading. It is more accurate to refer to one parent's "interests" in custody rather than their "rights." The focus in a custody dispute between parents is not on their personal rights but on the welfare of the children.

I'll be in our Southborough/Marlboro office much of this week; call me to discuss how I might be able to help you outline the terms of your agreement - (508) 480-8770.